I don't know what is wrong with me but the darkness is starting to take over, my thought are driving me insane, I find myself thinking about horrible and bad situations of the worst things things that can happen.
I blame my thoughts on the things that happened when I was growing up, I thought I was past it all but it all still come back to haunt me. I'm not a bad person but terrible things happened to me which leads me to make bad decisions and right now I really do not know what the f**k is going on, I am constantly paranoid and thinking about death I'm not suicidal or anything but I get thoughts on different types of ways in which I could die.
When most people see me they see that smile, listen to me joking, I'm the life of the party, I put smile on peoples faces, advice them when things are not going well but I just cant seem to help myself.
Yes I know prayer is the key to everything but I keep putting if off and postponing it till the next day. Ya Allah hear my cry.
I'm scared this is all going to have an impact on me at some point in my life, worse than it is already having and I might end up doing terrible things. I just want to free of the thoughts and memories.
They say self love is the best type of love but I've always depended on people to make me happy but now it doesn't seem to work so I find myself buying things and thinking about myself using them and that keeps me busy for a bit and I'm back to the same old.
I put myself in compromising situations hoping I would do things differently and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but that is a topic for another day.
I want a fresh start
I want to be genuinely happy.