Skip to main content

Floating.

I don't know what is wrong with me but the darkness is starting to take over, my thought are driving me insane, I find myself thinking about horrible and bad situations of the worst things things that can happen.

I blame my thoughts on the things that happened when I was growing up, I thought I was past it all but it all still come back to haunt me. I'm not a  bad person but terrible things happened to me which leads me to make bad decisions and right now I really do not know what the f**k is going on, I am constantly paranoid and thinking about death I'm not suicidal or anything but I get thoughts on different types of ways in which I could die.


When most people see me they see that smile, listen to me joking, I'm the life of the party, I put smile on peoples faces, advice them when things are not going well but I just cant seem to help myself.
Yes I know prayer is the key to everything but I keep putting if off and postponing it till the next day. Ya Allah hear my cry.

I'm scared this is all going to have an impact on me at some point in my life, worse than it is already having and I might end up doing terrible things. I just want to free of the thoughts and memories.
They say self love is the best type of love but I've always depended on people to make me happy but now it doesn't seem to work so I find myself buying things and thinking about myself using them and that keeps me busy for a bit and I'm back to the same old.

I put myself in compromising situations hoping I would do things differently and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but that is a topic for another day.

I want a fresh start
I want to be genuinely happy.

xxxx
L.D

Comments

  1. May Allah make it easy for u....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Please dear, remove such negative thoughts from your mind and always be positive, yea i know i sound Cliche, but it works. When ever you are in such deep thinkin, move about, walk, dance and Watch those thought flee...Allah hear your cry.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks guys, @Blink I'm doing that, I recite lines from the Quran when the thoughts come.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Act of Indecent Dressing.

I've always wondered how women can walk around looking almost naked yet feeling comfortable with it. I've never been one for going out with skimpy clothes, I do have some skirts and dresses that are above the knees, but they stay unworn in the back of the wardrobe, I wore a very questionable leather peplum to the beach and I felt very uncomfortable, had to pull it down ever time I stood up , and when It was my turn to go get drinks my brothers friend took a look at me and told me to sit down.  I was embarrassed, but I turned a lot of heads, when we switched locations to Waterside I had a guy wait for me outside the toilet since he couldn't approach me in from of the two intimidating men I was with. He offered to take me out clubbing and I blamed it on the skirt because I was dressed like I belonged in a club.

I PICKED UP THE HIJAB

 I'm slowly transitioning from a cleavage bearing, alcohol sipping Muslim woman to a full-time hijabi.  Where do I start from? I've always wanted to be a hijabi but I didn't have the courage to do it, I admired Muslim women in their scarves and hijab, I gave it a go in Uni, tied a turban for a few weeks and I got bored and ditched it.  Told myself I will pick it up when I get married, I still need enough time to flaunt my locs, bare my chest and wear dresses with slits going above my knees.  I enjoyed sipping cocktails, drinking champagne and mostly Jack Daniels and coke, I quit alcohol a few times, the longest I went without alcohol was 12 months. I'm not an alcoholic, I go months without drinking on the regs,. especially when I'm in Dublin, but I need booze to survive in Lagos. A few shots once I get home from the airport, then Star Radler or Snapp before noon, this continues until I leave the city.  My motto was " I can't be sober in Lagos". 

RAMEN IS NOT FOR ME.

 Do not believe what you see on the internet... Fighting for my life as type this, by fighting for my life, I mean my stomach and mouth are on fire.  My nose is running and I'm screaming for pain.  Why ????????????????   Two nights ago I saw a tweet where someone was hyping how delicious Ramen is and how it is way better than Indomine.  Curiosity killed the cat they said, well I am a 94kg, 5'2 26 years old cat in human form.  I jumped on Amazon, checked out a few brands, picked one, during my quest of finding the one with the cheapest shipping, I accidentally subscribed for Prime... Oops